why my husband is not my first love
Nope, my husband is not my first love. He IS my second, but not my first. (Don't worry, he would say I am his second love, too!)
My first love is actually not just one, but three : God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit- but they make up one entity... which I call my very first love.
Of course, I "loved" others before I even loved Him- and even still I have run back and am tempted to go back - but that love was so empty it hurt. That love was the kind of love that filled me with anxiety every time a text message wasn't sent back on my phone. Or a phone call. Or I didn't have a feeling that I mattered.
That was the kind of love that kissed with only a mouth and not a heart, a type of love that demanded bits of me piece by piece; and only by giving would there ever be anything in return. That was the type of love that left me without looking back. At times, a love that left without a choice.
The type of love that required perfection, and skill, and style, and athleticism, and the best humor and the best grades and the best face, the best of everything.
And it hurt to obtain. It gutted me out trying to keep up with my neighbor, my friend, my sister, my brother, my boyfriend , my boss- just to keep everything alive.
And then- in a darkened path full of moth and dust and confusion, came a light. A Savior, a King and friend named Jesus, reached out His wounded hand in a whisper- And said, "My child- I have seen your pain. I've seen it because not only am I with you each second, but also because I lived this pain too- when I died on the cross- for you. I see your heart. I know you because I knit you in your Mother's womb. I am your Potter and you are my clay, my masterpiece. Your brokenness? Yes, I see all of it. and I have come to make you whole- to bring light through your mistakes and messes- and through your renewed life- as you receive Me - I will restore all of you- into a beacon of hope. Follow me, leave your old life behind, and come. (Ps. 139:13, Is. 64:8, Eph. 2:10, Ps. 34, 2 Cor. 4:7, Matthew 4:19).
See, I heard this message from the Father, I accepted what Jesus did, and I asked Him to come into my life- to be my first love.
I acknowledged Him as worthy, and I acknowledged what it was for a sinless man to die for the sins of the entire world. And I asked Him to be my everything- and I felt Him give me breath- maybe even for the very first time. And I breathed Him deep and it was the sweetest breath I have ever tasted- full of grace, and glory- and I knew then that my God who was powerful and holy deeply knew everything about everyone on earth and yet, He still chose to love us.
He knew all the mistakes I had made. He knew all the lovers I had before Him. He saw the stains and slashes and guilt and junk all over my heart...pain that was self inflicted and also pain that was done to me. He saw the woman he designed me to be, too- and He loved me so much.
And as I breathed Him in He gave me all of Himself. And yet my feeble-human heart only receives what it can day by day. But even just a piece of Him is more than enough.
And now, I feel alive. Like a seed that finally has fresh air and soil and light and rain. I feel loved. And known, and cherished. And pursued by a King who has my heart.
And I know that life- as messy and broken as it was and always will be- is now marked by grace. And received grace is what makes us grow, like a seed into a flower that blooms bright as it gets refreshed and watered every day by the Word of the King.
I pray, my dear sister and brother, that if you don't know your true first love- that you will find Him, and let Him be the King of your heart.
I pray that if He already is, that He will "cut off every branch that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he will prune so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2
And I pray that as we move forward in this life; the Father's love that he lavishes on you will inspire you to give it out to others; sprinkling seeds of grace among your communities and families, raising mighty oaks, precious buds, and fragrant fruits for the world to taste and see.